My submission to the “Just Effing” Single Page Contest
Bummer dude. Didn’t make the cut. The three finalists in the Just Effing Short Scene contest have been named. Congrats to Ady Hall, Caz Adams, and Millar Prescott. Go here to read their entries and vote on your favorite.
Here’s my submission for the single-page contest, which had to use the following words: paramount, agent, jelly fish.
Any feedback is always appreciated.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – DAY
Bleachers are filled with HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS, alive with energy. They’re led in cheers by the STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT.
In the corner stands PABLO. Eyes locked with someone else’s.
Nose to nose with him is STEVE, who returns the look with an even deeper intensity... probably the one who initiated the stare down.
STEVE
Three years and you keep coming back for more. My talent is paramount! I’m the greatest mascot in the world!
Yes, he said mascot. Steve has a skirt of pink tentacles hanging from his waist. A large pink blob for his hat rests under his arm-- the final touch to his JELLYFISH COSTUME.
A large banner above reads: 2010 MASCOT COMPETITION.
STEVE (CONT’D)
You could never swim in my tentacles. I got verbal commitment from Santa Cruz to be their banana slug next year! I’ve was contacted by an agent. I’m going pro!
Steve extends one of his tentacles out and mimics “stinging” Pablo. Pablo simply maintains eye contact.
STEVE (CONT’D)
That’s right. Don’t say anything like you always do. Just drown quietly. You never-
PABLO
Jelly roll.
STEVE
Pssh... right. Like YOU could do the “jelly roll.”
STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT (O.S.)
Let’s hear it for Pablo Sanchez!
Steve watches curiously as Pablo confidently smiles, then marches over to audition.
The MUSIC starts. The students go NUTS. By the look of Steve’s face, it appears Pablo really has learned how to do the “jelly roll.”
Kim,
I thought this had a great start, but you could tighten up the description a bit. Only thing I didn’t like is not finding out what the “jelly roll” was.
Gail
Would love your feedback on mine, it’s on our blog.
http://www.lemontreechronicles.com/
I agree with Gail. What is a jelly roll?
Then I got a little confused about the situation. First time I read it I got the impression that it was like a physical competition, like Pablo and Steve was about to start wrestling. Maybe it should have been made clear that they where backstage and not onstage.
What kind of costume did Pablo wear?
Gail & Desiree -
Thank you so much for your responses. I think you both made some really good points.
And Gail, I’m checking out yours right now!
Kim
Hi Kim,
Found your blog through the backlink on the Effing Entertain me site. I liked the premise of your one-pager – and found the rival mascot idea v funny! It would have been great to concentrate on that in a slapstick kind of way
Good luck on the next one!
Ady
Thanks for your thoughts Ady!